Unexpected bits of my body I destroyed by having a kid

You think this entry is going to be about my growler and my nipples, right? Well, hah, jokes on you. Because my c-section means that my vag is as tight as they cum.

But it doesn’t mean I escaped entirely damage entirely, and aside from the obvious scar, the freaky numb patches and that weird dark line not joining up any more, being a mum has gone on to wreck other parts of my body that I just hadn’t prepared for.

Here’s that glorious list.

Back

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Yeah, admittedly I probably should have guessed this one.

But it turns out that hunching over the fruit of your loins to feed them, rocking them gently, picking them up and putting them back down totally shags up your back. My spine feels like it’s been stabbed and the vertebrae pop and grind like teenage boys in a nightclub.

Shoulders

The first few weeks of child-rearing are terrifying. I spent hours watching over our little girl just to make sure she was still breathing.

I was terrified of upsetting her, dropping her, losing her, bees attacking her, germs fucking her up… You name it, I was scared of it.

That tension soon made its way up into my shoulders and neck which are now totally rock solid.

Knees

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Rank outsider this one, but bugger me do my knees ever hurt?

Heaving my arse off the sofa without the use of my arms has turned my right knee into a ball of mush and pain.

Hands

You spend a shit tonne of time washing your hands with a kid.

With no immune system, you need to keep your crap clean and you’re constantly washing everything and sterilising it in case the baby catches cooties.

The result is cracked and dry hands and an obsession with hand sanitiser.

Boobs

Titties take on a life of their own once you’ve popped your sprog out – even more than when you’re pregnant and they get all porn star-ish.

maxresdefaultMilk leaks out, everything swells up, your nipples take on new and interesting shapes and crack up beneath the efforts of a small humans and breast pumps.

Even my usually boob-obsessed partner balked at the sight of my poor bosom.

Big toe

I stubbed it on her crib and it’s gone all big and red, like it’s been drawn by a Beano artist. This totally counts as a baby related injury.

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